Exploring Why Your Spouse Hurt You

Bob was unfaithful to Lisa. He did it because he said he was bored in the marriage, needed a change, and was acting out of character. While there was no doubt that he hurt Lisa, he was not driven by the desire to hurt her.

Lisa was unfaithful to Bob. She did it because she was hurt, vindictive, and intended for Bob to feel the intense pain of betrayal that she felt.

Did Lisa's plan work or did she simply embolden Bob to continue his affair since she was involved in one herself?

​We're so tempted to believe that settling scores on our own is the best path to take. There's something in side of us that believes that we can pay others back for the hurt they've caused us. As humans we long to make others feel the pain we feel to get them to empathize with us.

Truth is, however, it's impossible for us to make others feel the pain we feel (Proverbs 14:10a). And, when we sin against them to try to make them feel our bitterness, all we do is make a bigger mess.

The question is, then, is there a better way to deal with our suffering other than trying to make our mate suffer? I believe there is.


Although this is not the complete solution, we're given an example in Genesis 50:20. In this verse, Joseph is talking to his brothers who purposely betrayed & sold him into slavery.

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

1) Acknowledge your mate's intention. This one is tricky to write about because it could be seen that if your mate didn't intend to hurt you, then that excuses what he/she did. That is NOT the case. Hurt is hurt, no matter how it happens.

With that said, let's bring Lisa and Bob back on stage. Bob's intention was to fill a void in his life. In doing so, he sinned and devastated his wife. Lisa's intention was to punish Bob for his affair. She sinned, and devastated her husband.

Although they both sinned, their intention was different. One was driven by a need fulfilled the wrong way, the other was driven by bitterness and desire to strike back. 

When you look at the intention behind the hurt, it shows you what needs to happen next. In Bob's case, with a counselor, he needs to discuss why he's feeling the void in his marriage to Lisa. In Lisa's case, she needs to discuss the void Bob is feeling, and how to work through the bitterness in her heart towards Bob. This isn't the extent of the work they need to do, but it is a start.

2) Look for God's intention. After acknowledging your mate's intention, you need to acknowledge God's intention. This is not always easy to see at the beginning. We don't always know why God allows us to experience painful situations. In Joseph's case, it was some 13 years after being betrayed and sold before he had a chance to publicly state God's intention. It can be frustrating as we wait for God to give us insight into why he's allowing us to suffer -- and by suffer, I do not mean abuse.*

God is always working on us and situations to bring about the good he wants. As we look for his intention, it causes us to be humble, be quiet, and ultimately be submissive to his will. If Bob and Lisa look at God's intention for the pain they've faced in their marriage, they may see that he's preparing them to walk with other couples who go through a similar situation. They may see that he's teaching them how to trust him more rather than trying to fix their issues themselves. 

The opportunities to learn are limitless when we look for God's intention to why we go through hard times.

If you've been hurt, I encourage you to acknowledge your mate's intention, and look for God's intention. It will get you on a path to forgiveness and healing.

We'll discuss this more in our webinar about forgiveness Thursday night. Register today to take advantage of the early bird rate!

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* You should NEVER stay in an abusive situation. You and other vulnerable people in the house exposed to abuse should get to a place of safety immediately. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline {www.thehotline.org, 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or TTY 1.800.787.3224}.